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Misfortune Events.

A lot of terrible things happen in this world.

The good and the bad are just what we divide our memories into, categorizing them into organized recollections so at any given time we can rank through those files and sought them out. We savor the happiest ones of course, because some may just be a little too upsetting to remember.

I just happened to relate to those bittersweet memories in an awful circumstance.

I don't mean to call out a pity party, but I can't ever remember being fully happy. The most I've been is content with what I've got, and what I've experienced. I do an okay job at blocking painful, unnecessary things from my mind. I wouldn't call It being oblivious, because I do acknowledge what I've gone through, but I choose to not dwell on It. There's always those days where It's all my mind shares with me, though. I am left in a corner where nothing but all my misery is displayed, and It makes me cringe, and shed into tears. Though, I hardly cry- I push back. I don't know If that's rational or not. I know I'm not alone, though. I've got this wonderful man who picks me up when I fall down named Christopher. He makes me smile so effortlessly, and he's always there for me. Always. I can't begin to say how I appreciative I am of him. Then there's my two best friends, and all they do is try to protect me, and their name are Chelsea and Tobias. They both help a lot. The fact is: you're never alone. No matter how much It seems like no one cares, there is at least one person who does. 

I won't go into detail about all my misfortune events, but It was pretty difficult for me to get past It; In fact, I'm not all that healed yet. I'm still fragile. 

It's okay not to be okay. That's what teenagers don't understand. They are pushed to their limits and have so much weight on their shoulders that they forget to speak. To listen. To seek for help. To smile. To live. They feel like being weak is such a terrible thing they fail to realize that's okay. Some lives are lost. Some lives are ruined. I wish people would be far more caring. This world can be a shit place. There doesn't need to be shit people. 

I'm rambling on pretty much, but this is such a broad topic I could keep on writing, but that would bore people. 

Some nights are made for torture, or reflection, or the the savoring of loneliness. And that's fine, too. Misfortune events happen all the time. That's how life is. But remember: it's okay to be weak. 

hermosa.

In order to know the butterflies, I have to deal with the

caterpillars. 

I can't just breeze right through life as lovely as that sounds. I have to work hard, and deal with difficult problems and decisions. Everyone does. It's life. Just keep going. Don't stop. Even if you don't make it to where you've wanted, your hard work would have landed you somewhere. That's the thing; no matter how tough it gets, or what/ who you have to deal with it, you have to overcome, or else, you'll never enjoy the beauty that life really is. La vida es un lucha hermosa. 

and that's.. how i live.

“I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I’m afraid of.”

—	Joss Whedon

Some people use their willpower to not eat a heavenly box of chocolates. I use it to wait; to have patience. To wait for something that I can associate myself with. For something that gives me hope that I will be the person who I am when I write. When i write, I feel I am a different character- one with more strength and courage. When I write I can imagine myself in front of thousands of people talking about life. Yes, as odd as that sounds. I know I haven't lived much, but I'm starting to realize what life is. I'm not going to whip out a scientific definition of life, nor a spiritual one. I don't define life that way. In fact, I don't define life with words. Life is more about actions. Life is doing what you love. Life is loving who you are. Life is about making mistakes and learning from them. I believe that living and being alive are two wholly different things. Living is being who you are, taking risks, and enjoying life. Being alive is just that; having the necessities in life, but not taking an extra jump. Life can be a roller coaster. There's twists in turns in life, and you just have to hold on and make the best of it. What I'm trying to say is: find a reason to enjoy living. Moping be damned. Find it, and hold on to it.  After all this time, It still seems to me like straight and fast is the only way out  - but I choose the labyrinth. The labyrinth blows, but I choose it. And that's.. how I live. 

no post today, but..

How can someone see so much light in something? 

-- the Diary of Preston Plummer.

on the outside.

It's so close to graduation. I don't know If I'm scared or excited. I think it's a combination of both.  Maybe anxious. I really don't know. What i do know is... I feel disappointed. I'd say at life, but really I'm more disappointed at myself. It's senior year- no, it's the end of senior year, and I have yet to spend this school year with no regrets and going for what I want. I mean, I never say what I want. If I think something, and it might be the wisest thought, I never open my mouth and speak up. I'm never as bold as everyone else is, so I take notes while everyone speaks their mind and the whole time I'm contemplating whether or not to let myself- my mind- radiate. That's just one example. Socializing is another. It's my first year at Righetti, and in my past school, I had the same set of friends as i did in elementary, so I didn't need to meet new people. Now, i do. In order to enjoy the school year, that is. There's a lot of people I talk to- during class. I laugh a lot with them as they joke around with me, and I can't help but think, "Why can't we hang out sometime? Even if it's to do schoolwork.." But, i don't tell them, so I go home, and do what I need, then read, and sleep. I hate living like that. I've always dreamed of adventures. I know once I graduate, I can do that, but I want to do something now.While I'm still in high school. I don't want to pity myself, and I don't want anyone else to pity me. I just want to live the life that I want. I hate the whole concept of, "Should I?; What If?; and "I should have." I think we ought to share how we feel. If you like someone, tell them- whether or not they like you back, tell them, because you'll never know. If you want to kiss someone that is interested in you, do it. Don't hesitate or It might be too late. If there's a grand opportunity that will help you in a positive way; why the hell contemplate? Take it. Share ideas you have. Take a little more risks than you ever have. Don't just dream, make it real. In some situations, it's better to not think, and just do and feel. Forget about people's harsh judgements and commentaries, and just live how you want, and I don't mean that in the cliche of, "smoking weed, and partying every weekend," I mean living with no regrets, and having the balance of what you need and want to do. On the outside looking in. That's how I feel, and I don't want to feel that way anymore. These next few weeks, I am going to enjoy life- my way. No more holding back. It's not ideal nor me. I just want to be myself, and be loved the way I am. If that's too much to ask, then I don't care. That's how I feel. And it matters. In fact, don't let anyone tell that you or your opinions don't matter, because they do. Never let fear of others, keep you from speaking up, and it sounds like I'm repeating myself, but I can't say it enough. 

I'm just jumping on topics, because I'm writing every single word that is passing through the walls of my mind right now. Some days, I feel vacant, but right now, I could swear a load of thoughts are just racing each other in my mind in this very moment. But if i sit in rain, maybe I could drown in something other than thoughts, because I have a headache, and I think It's to urge me to write. I'm so conflicted on a lot of different things that vary from life to school and classes. It's my huge dilemma. So, before I go to sleep I think I will just write out the old fashioned way my ideas and what I need to do. That always helps in situations like these.

I've wrote stuff about living and such, now maybe off to a less important topic- like boys. Boys. I don't know what to say when it comes to a certain boy. I don't have a boyfriend, and I could admit that I'm never looking for one. I'd like to think I wait; that old saying comes to mind: If It happens, It happens. Some people bring out the worst in you. Others bring out the best. Then, there are rare, addictive (metaphorically) ones who simply bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you'd follow them straight through hell just to keep getting your fix. I can't really say much on this topic. I guess a broken three year relationship ruined.. this.. for me. I try not to think about it too much, because it drives me crazy. All i can really say is: I'm scared to fall again. To let someone know me and my deepest thoughts or something as simple as what I like, because I get this hope that It will turn into something good, then when they leave, pain will once again be the strongest of drugs. That's the thing about pain, It demands to be felt.

I don't know. Don't be on the outside; live a little.