on the outside.

It's so close to graduation. I don't know If I'm scared or excited. I think it's a combination of both.  Maybe anxious. I really don't know. What i do know is... I feel disappointed. I'd say at life, but really I'm more disappointed at myself. It's senior year- no, it's the end of senior year, and I have yet to spend this school year with no regrets and going for what I want. I mean, I never say what I want. If I think something, and it might be the wisest thought, I never open my mouth and speak up. I'm never as bold as everyone else is, so I take notes while everyone speaks their mind and the whole time I'm contemplating whether or not to let myself- my mind- radiate. That's just one example. Socializing is another. It's my first year at Righetti, and in my past school, I had the same set of friends as i did in elementary, so I didn't need to meet new people. Now, i do. In order to enjoy the school year, that is. There's a lot of people I talk to- during class. I laugh a lot with them as they joke around with me, and I can't help but think, "Why can't we hang out sometime? Even if it's to do schoolwork.." But, i don't tell them, so I go home, and do what I need, then read, and sleep. I hate living like that. I've always dreamed of adventures. I know once I graduate, I can do that, but I want to do something now.While I'm still in high school. I don't want to pity myself, and I don't want anyone else to pity me. I just want to live the life that I want. I hate the whole concept of, "Should I?; What If?; and "I should have." I think we ought to share how we feel. If you like someone, tell them- whether or not they like you back, tell them, because you'll never know. If you want to kiss someone that is interested in you, do it. Don't hesitate or It might be too late. If there's a grand opportunity that will help you in a positive way; why the hell contemplate? Take it. Share ideas you have. Take a little more risks than you ever have. Don't just dream, make it real. In some situations, it's better to not think, and just do and feel. Forget about people's harsh judgements and commentaries, and just live how you want, and I don't mean that in the cliche of, "smoking weed, and partying every weekend," I mean living with no regrets, and having the balance of what you need and want to do. On the outside looking in. That's how I feel, and I don't want to feel that way anymore. These next few weeks, I am going to enjoy life- my way. No more holding back. It's not ideal nor me. I just want to be myself, and be loved the way I am. If that's too much to ask, then I don't care. That's how I feel. And it matters. In fact, don't let anyone tell that you or your opinions don't matter, because they do. Never let fear of others, keep you from speaking up, and it sounds like I'm repeating myself, but I can't say it enough. 

I'm just jumping on topics, because I'm writing every single word that is passing through the walls of my mind right now. Some days, I feel vacant, but right now, I could swear a load of thoughts are just racing each other in my mind in this very moment. But if i sit in rain, maybe I could drown in something other than thoughts, because I have a headache, and I think It's to urge me to write. I'm so conflicted on a lot of different things that vary from life to school and classes. It's my huge dilemma. So, before I go to sleep I think I will just write out the old fashioned way my ideas and what I need to do. That always helps in situations like these.

I've wrote stuff about living and such, now maybe off to a less important topic- like boys. Boys. I don't know what to say when it comes to a certain boy. I don't have a boyfriend, and I could admit that I'm never looking for one. I'd like to think I wait; that old saying comes to mind: If It happens, It happens. Some people bring out the worst in you. Others bring out the best. Then, there are rare, addictive (metaphorically) ones who simply bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you'd follow them straight through hell just to keep getting your fix. I can't really say much on this topic. I guess a broken three year relationship ruined.. this.. for me. I try not to think about it too much, because it drives me crazy. All i can really say is: I'm scared to fall again. To let someone know me and my deepest thoughts or something as simple as what I like, because I get this hope that It will turn into something good, then when they leave, pain will once again be the strongest of drugs. That's the thing about pain, It demands to be felt.

I don't know. Don't be on the outside; live a little.