sad

it happened. i have been blocking every single thing. i  have ignored what's been bouncing angrily, and rather with insistence on the walls of my mind. i  was laying down watching a show and it made me emotional, and that was all it took. i'm so good at not thinking of things i  have done so much to forget. i  failed tonight. i  cried so much, i  felt it all come back like a huge wave washing over me and i  broke the fuck down. because sometimes i  can't be strong.  i  just need someone to know every thing about me before i  die. so they can know that despite everything i  really was strong. i  need someone to hold me together so i  won't fall apart. these days, these months of never-ending pretending and my words have become dry and my mind is no longer in which my no longer Muse would fall in  love. i  don't know what i'm doing anymore. but for once i  will admit it: i'm sad. and that's okay, right? yes. oh God, let me be okay.