sad

it happened. i have been blocking every single thing. i  have ignored what's been bouncing angrily, and rather with insistence on the walls of my mind. i  was laying down watching a show and it made me emotional, and that was all it took. i'm so good at not thinking of things i  have done so much to forget. i  failed tonight. i  cried so much, i  felt it all come back like a huge wave washing over me and i  broke the fuck down. because sometimes i  can't be strong.  i  just need someone to know every thing about me before i  die. so they can know that despite everything i  really was strong. i  need someone to hold me together so i  won't fall apart. these days, these months of never-ending pretending and my words have become dry and my mind is no longer in which my no longer Muse would fall in  love. i  don't know what i'm doing anymore. but for once i  will admit it: i'm sad. and that's okay, right? yes. oh God, let me be okay.

What Inspires You ?

"This storm will pass." —Unknown.

"Find something you're passionate about and stay tremendously interested in it." —Julia Child

I have a difficult time answering the question, "What inspires you?" in a detailed, thorough answer. The need to be a better person today than I was yesterday inspires me. My aunt, currently attending UCLA, who had a tough year, but still manages to succeed and stay happy, inspires me. Whenever i read a post about someone who exploits any circumstance to reach full success or about someone who is happy, because they did something they feared to do, i am inspired. When I see all of my peers' masterpieces and presentations, I am inspired. The thing is, i find inspiration in the littlest of things, as well as the biggest. When I looked up the word inspiration, it stated that it is the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative. I instantly agreed with the definition, because that's what I define it as. When it reads "something creative," my mind is instantly brought to a labyrinth of thoughts and actions I have yet to do. In a earlier post I wrote: inspire or be inspired. I don't want to just be inspired, I want to inspire. I want to inspire people to smile more often because our only Earth will theoretically combust in a time that is unknown, and life is short, and no matter how much of pain life can be, It goes on. I want to inspire someone to speak out loud and do what they are afraid to do, because usually the opinions of others don't matter as much as they think. Better to be proud than sorry. When I asked my friend what inspired him, he answered, "my mother." I wasn't surprised by that, I was surprised by what he followed with. "My mother, because she gave up so much. She loved even when she had very little reason to be happy, and now she's as strong as ever, and lives a pretty good life. I want to be that way. I want to love, and be strong, and live a good life." Even that answer just gave me hope. Inspiration. When I asked a fellow follower on twitter, her answer was simple, "When I wake up alive, I am inspired to be the best, because God gave me another day to do so." Another one gave the a common answer of, "Beyonce inspires me." What I am trying to emphasize here is that there is no right or wrong answer as to what should inspire you. It could be your dog for all I care. The relevant concept here is to be inspired and let it motivate you and interest you in a positive way to make you a better version of yourself. It's to inspire someone, so that they could feel a little less afraid, a lot more bolder, and full of confidence and the desire to do what they love. I'll end on this note, creating this blog, and writing my heart and soul out, and creating words that flow thick in the air inspired me to do as I want, because I know what I want to do, and nothing or no one can stop me, because for once I have strength; for once I am the characters I write; for once I am exploring all the things I am afraid of; for once I am owning every second this world has given me and continues to give me, and I hope that is inspiring even in the slightest. 

don't come back.

I'm sitting down listening to music to help me focus ,

Ever since you left, I can hardly think about essential stuff. My mind goes back to February. I remember when I was walking down the ancient asphalt with a friend speaking loudly. I turned my face and saw you. Your full lips curled up to form an immaculate smile; my heart pounded, and they too curled up in response. Why didn't I just keep walking? Why did I turn in that exact moment and see you smile? I don't understand. I never will. That's the point. Why can't I forget? If I'm not insane, these unanswered questions will surely lead me there. You offered me a ride, and I simply nodded. You drove and asked questions, I sat there, answering them. Why were you so interested? Why couldn't you just not care? You dropped me off, and asked for my number- I gave it to you with a goofy grin as an answer. We text a lot later on. It was becoming a habit; talking to you. Why didn't I stop? Why didn't you stop? That day. February 3, 2012 to be exact. I stayed with you. We laughed, and become ourselves in a way we never had before. Your lips met mine. Why didn't I pull back? Why did you lean in? We kissed. We kissed each other. You smiled; that smile that made me notice you in the first place. Right by the bleachers, you asked me to be your girlfriend. Why did you ask me? Why did I accept? I smiled so wide, and said, "Yes." I'll admit, I was at my happiest- maybe that's why I'm no longer myself. We were inseparable. Your hands would always meet mine, and when I'd gaze into your warm, brown eyes, you'd squeeze my hand in reassurance that we would be fine. We were oblivious to the world, because It was just you and I. Always and ever. That's what you would tell me, right? You promised. You promised. You said, "I will never give up on you, because for me, you're It." What happened to that? Why did you lie? Why did you leave me? We were young people in love, and anyone from the outside could sense It. That ring. That beautiful ring you gave me. That was my promise ring. That was your promise that'd you stay. My stomach did little flips, my smile in full display, my hands never leaving your skin; It was you and I. We fought a lot after. I'd cry myself to sleep. I would stay up yelling at you through the phone. You'd always come back and apologize, and I would I always take you back. When I did something that hurt you, I fought for you. For awhile, we were okay again. Why didn't you fight for me? Why give me a glass full of promises when you'd just break it? Then, the fighting started again. We weren't okay. My parents got in the way. Your irrelevant friends wouldn't leave us alone. Your idiotic brother always tampered with your mind. Can i say something? You never trusted me. You never loved me. If you had, you wouldn't have believed them. You wouldn't have let them influence the way you felt for me; It was you and I. That last day. That very last day.. your strong arms wrapped around my shoulders and waist, and I breathed in thinking, "We'll be okay." But, what did you say? You said, "If i ever see that guy, I will hurt him." My best friend- you'd hurt my best friend over a lie? You didn't even say bye. You didn't say you'd miss me. Why did you pretend to love me? Why not leave me when I wasn't so attached? It was no longer you and I. It will never be again. You hurt me so much. I can't be the girl I used to be. The girl you fell for. That girl that you used to tickle. That girl that you used to hold like there was no tomorrow. That girl that you used to kiss 'til your lips felt numb. That girl that you used to walk with every day. That girl that you would hug as we laid down listening to the music I loved, but you never liked. I will never be that girl you loved. You killed her. I'm simply the ugly outcome. None of my positive feelings are genuine. It wasn't supposed to end, because it was you and I always and ever, remember? I bet you don't. I bet you're happy with someone else entirely. I guess that's fine, because I can't force you to come back. I just wanted us. Come back, please. No, please stay away. I wouldn't be able to handle more scars, more crying, more pain. I can't. I can't. I can't. I love you so much, so stay away. I'm sitting here listening to music to help me focus. Time is passing by, and each tick of the clock is hurting me. You're still not coming back, though. It's over. I know it is. Maybe this time around, I'll be okay.

Inspire Someone .

There's a lot of people who seek to inspire. There's a lot of people who are in need to be inspired. Then, there's the people who just struggle there way through life without inspiration. Recently, there has been few presentations on masterpieces. From my point of view, everyone talked with knowledge of their topic, and full of love for what they do, and for what they've learned. That may not seem inspiring, but frankly to me, It was. I don't talk much; let alone talk about what I enjoy with full enthusiasm in front of intimidating teenagers, but In my past blog posts, I've mentioned to just go for It. Here I am, shy as ever telling someone like you to go for It when I am not even doing it myself. Doesn't that seem full of hypocrisy? I thought so. So, I don't have much time, but in addition to talking about what I love, I'm going to complete this challenge. This challenge of speaking about me, what I love, and what I've learned in front of people. It's not just me and my computer anymore. I am challenging myself to do this, because I've been inspired. So, thank you. I present on Wednesday the 28th, and I truly hope I have the guts to speak about It, instead of showing a prezi. Inspire or be inspired. 

the wise words that melt in my hands...

Writing is me,

I am writing.

I write to be me,

to be me, i write.

writing.

I've been so into quotes for quite a bit now. Some are lines in my favorite books; others are simply wise words from wise people. I say some. I read a lot of them. I understand these all. I act upon few. I love them all. 

"The only people who ever get anyplace interesting are the people who get lost."

— Henry David Thoreau

"Seduce my mind, and you can have my body. Find my soul, and I am yours forever."

— Unknown

"i didn't know what to do anymore so I got lost, and according to Henry David Thoreau, to get lost means to go somewhere, so I am going somewhere interesting."

— Samantha Perez

"I'm as plain as anything can get, baby. But, my love for you is extraordinary."

— TMA

"I don't know a perfect person. I only a flawed person who Is still worth loving."

— John Green

"She was the ocean, and I was just a boy who loved the waves, but was completely terrified to swim."

— Christopher Poindexter

"Never let your fears decide your faith."

— Awolnation

"When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did."

— John Green

"You never get me. That's the whole point."

— Alaska Young

"I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, but I am in love with you."

— Augustus Waters

"My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations."

— John Green

"Now, I've got the resources and the environment to have a truly creative existence. And I do find genuine happiness in that."

— Matt Healy. ♥

"Behind every beautiful thing, there is some kind of pain."

— Bob Dylan

"Now I'll be bold as well as strong. I'll use my head alongside my heart. So tame my flesh and fix my eyes."

— Mumford and Sons

"You filled up my glass with promises that could never last, and I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind."

— Kodaline

My future tattoo: I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. 

— Robert Frost

Words. Words. Words.

I decided to put lyrics from all my favorite songs, and jot them down randomly. It was like poetry from the creative minds of others. ( I don't own any of the songs )

The only way you can know

Is give it all you have

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

Don't care if we bend,
I'd sink us to swim,

I gave you something you can never give back, don't you mind?

All of your flaws and all of my flaws,
When they have been exhumed
We'll see that we need them to be who we are
Without them we'd be doomed

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best dance,
Your best look
You're praying that you make it.

I'll give you one more time
We'll give you one more fight
Said one more line
Be a riot, cause I know you.

I want a new life (start over)
One without a cause (clean slate)
So I'm coming home tonight (yeah)
Well, no matter what the cost
And if the plane goes down
Or if the crew can't wake me up
Well, just know that I'm alright
I was not afraid to die.

His Daughter .

Everything's gonna be alright.
She whispers to herself
She was only 6 years old that night
As she hid behind that shelf
Cuz daddy had a little too much to drink
And mama didn't want her to feel the pain she felt
But she still felt the pain...

Well 10 years they came and went
And dad was gone
So she looked for love in other men
And tried to act strong.
Broken hearts and Scars in only places she could se
Cuz she just wanted, she just wanted to feel something

And as she sat there on that bed
thinking bout what those girls said
tears streamed down her eyes
She cried...

If there's a God out there
Please here my prayer.
I'm lost and I'm scared
and I've got no where else to go
I've come a long, long way
But I'm not sure I can make it much farther...
So if you're listening, could you give a helping hand
To your daughter.

Well her path started to change
She reached out and grabbed God's grace
And finally, she saw a light
Until that night...
Where she decided one drink was alright
and one thing led to another
Next thing you know, 9 months go by
she's a mother.

And as she lay there in that bed
Stroking that small angels head
Tears streamed down her eyes
She cried...

If there's a God out there
Please here my prayer.
I'm lost and I'm scared
and I've got no where else to run
I've come a long, long way
But I'm not sure I can be the best mother...
So if you're listening, could you give a helping hand
To your daughter.

Well that baby grew into a boy
Who became her pride and joy
He loved her like no man could
And her heart felt peace, cuz she finally understood
God's love.

And as she layed there in that bed
99 years old
She grabbed her songs hand and said
There's something you must know...

There is a God up there
Who heard my prayer
I was lost and afraid
And I had no where else to go.
I had know clue, what to do
And then He sent me you.

So if you're lost and afraid
and you feel so alone
don't worry child
cuz there's a Father who will love you as His own
Just like he loved his daughter.
Like he loved His daughter.