I was the sunlight behind your curtain ..

 I've always read books. Always. Some leave a huge impact on me. Others, are read simply to pass time. But, I always come across one book where I get overwhelmingly emotional that I cannot read it in public. I associate myself sometimes with the characters, and sometimes the situations in the book hit home. I was reading, "Looking for Alaska," and two scenes really got to me. The whole book did as a matter of fact, but these, I'd say, are my favorite: 

Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So, I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane. 

Then, Where Alaska quotes: 

You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome It will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape from the present. 

The first one really just made me appreciate the way he talks about her. The way he respects her. The comparison at the end is what really made me like this. I was drizzle and she was a hurricane. The second is what I most relate to. It's true. And, that's why I need to change. 

This book made me, unfortunately, think about my ex boyfriend. I was the sunlight behind your curtain- is what I want to tell him, and It was true. I was about the only positive person in his life, but he took that for granted, and now I only have 2 years worth of memories to haunt me. 

Sometimes I'm an emotional wreck, and other times, I want to be happy. 

I think I want to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find It. 

I've realized that living in the future Isn't remotely rational. At all. 

I need to live. Not just survive. 

Find what you love and let it kill you

- Charles Bukowski